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The Home Assignment

I had friends. And I knew Girls. But the cross of these two hugely different species? Never! But for three weeks in my life, I had what most boys wanted more than blowing up crackers in cow dung- a girl friend. From my personal experience, there was not much difference- you have a girl friend or blow up a cracker in a huge pile of cow dung- the end result was the same. Let me explain…

Once upon a time, there was me…

Well I had just moved to Bangalore and for a month I lived alone- It was like a single goldfish in a water-bowl- Depressing. I needed a room-mate, desperately. I sent out the following ad in the local newspaper.

WANTED: A room-mate. House 10 steps from a cheap bar. Must love Vodka.

I received a lot of calls. Just too many of them. Didn’t realize that a lot of boys loved Vodka! How stupid! I should have been more specific, more demanding- Must love Tandoori Chicken… and Megan Fox.

My mobile rang. It was from an Unknown Caller. Nothing out of the ordinary. Probably some guy wanting to be 10 steps near a cheap bar. I answered the ring.

And kids- that’s How I met your Mother! Ted Style!!!

Just Kidding!

It was my three-week girlfriend. She just didn’t realize that soon she was going to be my future girl friend, and ex, eventually, when she called me.

Why did she call me? Well, to give me an earful. She was just being a caring samaritan and hence felt the need to tell me that I was the exact reason why India was still a developing country. She asked me what I had to say for myself… I could think of just one thing. I just asked her if she wanted to be my room-mate…

She said- “No!” Obviously! Duh! What did you expect, huh? That she said Yes!? Wake up! This is reality! Not my happy fantasy!

Well, an unexpected thing happened anyways. She recognized my voice- apparently I was in her class for three years in high school. Way to go three week girl friend!!! She was the hound of the Baskervilles!

I soon realized who she was and we talked. And talked. And talked…

We met a few times- couple of pseudo-dates, nothing special.

Soon, we began to crawl into each other’s thoughts… like some meaningless vulgar song that gets stuck in your head for days- only with a bigger funny smile on your face. We started dating & got close to each other- but we never kissed. I promise. I wanted to- but without a few drinks on me, I wasn’t much of a self-destructive freak.

I was hoping our meetings would grow to be like those cute romantic comedies- but alas it was all loud comedy for her and silent tragedy for me. No romance for either of us.

Soon the day came when she introduced me to her dad- and he asked my qualifications. We lasted three weeks without knowing each other’s educational background. I was just a Bachelor in Engineering and I had just seven years of wonderful work experience in one of the most prestigious technology companies in the world.

She? She did M.S. @ UCSD, USA.

Good, right? Wrong.

Her dad wasn’t particularly a fan of me. He didn’t seem to be the kind of guy who’d “LIKE” my pictures or status messages on Facebook. He probably would have clicked the “DISLIKE” button if there was one, to my current status message: “Feeling Lucky Tonight!”

Well, he wanted his son-in-law to be at least a MS guy. PhD would have been better though.

My three week girl friend didn’t support my decision of showing her father the finger, instead of applying for MS. We broke up…

Life went on. It’s easier when you are just 10 steps from cheap Vodka.

A few months later I got a call from my mom. She was so happy for me- that the girl (NOT my three week girl friend; for simplicity let’s call her-Umm, Orangutan! Ya, Orangutan sounds about right)- so this Orangutan, the girl I supposedly loved from my LKG (Kindergarten) days, told her parents that she loved me- a lot. And that she was very serious. My mom and my dad were immensely upset with me because they had heard the good news from our neighbors- the Orangutan’s parents.

My parents and her parents were busy fantasizing about my dream wedding and the Orangutan’s dream wedding… Unfortunately both weddings were the same… I was the groom, she the bride…

This sounds exactly like a romantic comedy, right?

It was supposed to be a love marriage- only that I didn’t love her- at all.

I practically ran 300 miles to home. I confronted Orangutan- we fought. We argued. She hit me. It didn’t hurt at all- but it was enough to get me hospitalized for a couple of days- no big deal. She was a school teacher, she had plenty of training in beating the crap out of good looking boys like me.

After fooling our parents that I got hit while saving her from the local goons, she sat with me for two full days- and nights. She took care of me. No anger can last for two full days. I withdrew this emotion of anger. I relaxed. I grew comfortable around her. She had a nice aura, not that i believed in such things.

And soon my head filled with memories- of our childhood. They were happy memories. Funny memories. Crazy memories. Sad memories. And then we started talking. And we talked. And talked. And talked…

This felt like a romantic comedy. Comedy for me and romance for her, perhaps – But one thing was abundantly clear, that the Orangutan really loved me…

And here, I am finishing my home work. Sorry I couldn’t tell all of this to you, in person, and for putting this letter among the home works of your Class-2 students… When I heard the title of the Home-Assignment for the kids in your class- “The Person I Love the most” – from you, I thought about this new way of telling you about my past and future- The Person I love the most is you, Orangutan. I love you. More than anybody in this world. More than that 3 week girl friend, more than those 10 merry steps from that insanely cheap bar. More than Vodka or Tandoori Chicken. And way way way more than Megan Fox- Ah, You know me, I probably lied a little about the Megan Fox part… Sorry!

Never worry about that 3 week girl friend, OK? She probably would “DISLIKE” my current status message- “Orangutans are the most loveable primates”

I love you, Orangy.

The beginning…

PS: If you found my Home-Work cute and lovely, it’s probably coz of Osmosis. All the cuteness from those cute little angels’ Home-Works has moved from a region of high concentration to a region of low concentration, that is, my home-work!